Loss: a complex yet universal experience
Loss—the process of losing something or someone—carries profound emotional weight and complexity, making it one of the most universally felt human experiences. Though it’s often associated with death, loss can mean different things to different people. It impacts us at various stages of life, and often manifests in ways that we may not immediately recognise as “loss” at all.
When I share that I work with individuals and couples after loss, many understandably assume I only work with those grieving pregnancy loss. My nursing background has indeed led me to support bereaved parents, but my focus extends beyond that. Loss touches countless aspects of life, and I believe it’s essential that we acknowledge and validate all types of loss to move forward with emotional well-being. Sometimes, acknowledging loss is as simple as saying it aloud or writing it down.
Reflecting on my own experiences with loss, I realise that while death often comes to mind first, loss takes many forms. Here are a few moments in my life where I felt its weight.
Loss of Control: I felt a deep loss of control during the traumatic birth of my son. The experience was far from what I’d planned, and I wasn’t able to make many decisions about how he would enter the world. I wasn’t necessarily grieving the absence of a traditional birth, but the separation I felt when he was taken to NICU and I couldn’t be with him was deeply painful. Those first days, dependent on others to wheel me to his bedside, were overwhelming and difficult to comprehend for some time afterward.
Career Changes: Leaving my clinical nursing career brought a sense of loss. The security, the routine, and the practical skills I had relied on daily were gone in an instant; despite knowing it was the right choice. My career was part of my identity, and leaving it changed how others saw me—and how I saw myself. Coaching helped me take ownership of my new path, but the adjustment wasn’t easy and took time.
Friends and Relationships: Life changes, including job moves, often lead to shifts in friendships and relationships. Losing contact with once-close friends, or feeling the distance grow with family members, left a subtle yet lasting sense of loss. Even when physical separation wasn’t involved, the emotional distance could be as painful as a physical loss.
For most of us, when someone mentions "loss," we instinctively think of death. When a person says, “I lost my friend,” we understand this to mean that their friend has died. But loss can also mean estrangement or an emotional rift in a relationship. The grief we feel over such losses can be just as intense, even though the person is still alive.
Similarly, loss is often associated with negative emotions—grief, sadness, frustration—since it usually involves something being taken from us against our wishes. However, sometimes loss can bring more nuanced emotions. For example, a peaceful death after a long illness can carry a sense of relief amid the grief, as there is peace for the loved one freed from suffering.
In the case of baby loss, emotions can be overwhelmingly complex and life-altering. After experiencing a miscarriage, I felt sadness, frustration, and relief in equal measure—relief that I could get pregnant again. As a nurse, I handled the experience in a clinical manner and was, for the most part, “okay.” But when I became pregnant again, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a sense of guilt: how would my new baby affect my relationship with my three-year-old, would he feel neglected or less loved? These feelings quickly passed as I watched the bond between my children grow, but initially, I felt I was grieving the special time my firstborn and I had shared alone.
This experience reminded me how varied and layered loss can be and how it is so unique to each person. In my work, I’ve seen people experience the same complexity over and over. As a nurse, I saw people face losses of independence, physical ability, or health. As an expat, I know the loss of identity that comes with major life changes, such as moving to a new country or adapting to family transitions. These, too, can bring about a grief for the life or identity you once had.
Loss is part of being human and manifests in ways as varied as the absence of loved ones to shifts in personal identity. Regardless of its form, it is a powerful emotional experience, and even those losses that aren’t openly discussed—the kinds we feel we must face alone—deserve acknowledgment.
Just because a loss isn’t visible or traditional doesn’t mean it isn’t deeply felt. Grieving isn’t reserved solely for life’s “biggest” losses; if you feel a sense of loss, it’s worthy of acknowledgment, attention, and care. By understanding and reflecting on these feelings, we bring new meaning to our experiences, creating space for clarity and even positivity.
Learning to grieve well is a gift we give ourselves. It grants us the grace to heal, to connect, and to live with greater fullness and resilience. Loss is a universal experience, but acknowledging its layers and complexities allows us to transform that pain into strength, to grow in our compassion, and to support others as they navigate their own experiences of loss.